OK after banging out a quick story and posting it, I deleted it and banged out another quick story….I missed the mark with the first one. Hopefully this is a little better…
The morning after a bad decision they stared out the window of the White Birch Cafe. Billy poured sugar into his coffee mug until the pile was several inches high. Janis covered her eggs in salt. Unable to make eye contact they both diverted their eyes from each other’s gaze. The silence broke by the sound of Billy’s spoon hitting the side of his mug. Janis finally looked at him.
“You know I am not normally like that” she whispered.
“It’s Ok” his voice trailing off.
“You don’t sound OK”.
“You had to say Good luck? You couldn’t congratulate them?”
50 thoughts on “The Wedding Guests”
Very believable dialogue and set up. I would really like to know more, Tom.
I posted one before this and deleted it. This is more in line with what I was trying to get at but for some reason it feels kinda flat to me. Thanks for the kind words.
I like…and especially the ending
Thank you Boomie!
I like this but I also liked the “salt with the eggs”, etc. in the first one.
Thanks. Very nice of you to say. They both feel lacking to me. Could be my state of mind or whatever…Not down or anything just feel like this story is “an egg without salt”. Perhaps its the weather or cause I am back in school and my mind is else where..not really sure. But thank you for reading both.
I liked the concept behind the first one I read yesterday, but you’re right, it just didn’t seem to come off quite right despite some very funny terminology re having eggs with your salt etc. Both pieces reflect underlying conflict in a commendable way. Nice work and congrats on managing to produce two, something that rarely happens for me.
I’m glad you picked up on the first one not having the right feel and for being truthful about it to me. Thanks for the encouragement. I really enjoyed yours.
You found the right words to outline the tension that exists between couples when one has said the wrong thing and embarrased the other. The mystery you left behind is niggling away at my subconsciousness. Good job.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting.
Definitely want to know what happened. Apparently someone said the wrong words? Good luck does seem to indicate that someone might not “make it”. Interesting.
She said the wrong words but the more I think about it the more I feel I should change the dialogue around to make him the one who says the wrong thing. After all it’s men who often put their foot in their or at least that’s how the general public sees it.
I think that you should leave it with the woman. It has undertones of her not being happy with her mate, which is probably why they are both so upset about it, instead of laughing. Just a thought.
I think it could work either way if a few things were changed around but thank you for your comments and for stopping by.
I tried to comment on your page…:(
I like it. The tension and distraction is well described, and the ending is good.
(Wish I could see the first one too – two for the price of one:-) )
Thanks! So you want to see the first one? OK….what the hell Here it is….
The morning after a night of bad decisions they sat by the window at the White Birch Bed and Breakfast. Billy drank his cream and sugar with a little coffee. Janis ate her salt with two eggs over easy. She poked her runny eggs with buttered white toast. He added extra whip cream onto his pancakes.
Billy spoke up “That’s a lot of salt would you like some breakfast with that”.
“Silence would be nice” she snapped.
“I…was just joking” he stuttered.
Billy sipped his coffee, staring out the window, wondering why he did not slip out during the night.
Hahahahaha! Very funny! I like it too.
Clearly a tense breakfast. Both dialogues are very believable. Thanks for sharing both.
Thank you. I look forward to your writings this week.
Can we say “awkward!” Left me feeling I was spying on a private moment I should’t be privy too. Well done.
LOL….That’s great. Thanks so much. That makes me feel a lot better about this one!
Ooh… I want to read the bad one, Tom. I like the good one!!!
I never read comments before making mine… I see the ‘bad’ one above me now… I like it. I like parts of both, the good luck thing, and I liked the breakfast description in the deleted one. I really liked the ‘slip out during’ line… been there, had those breakfasts…
I’m glad you like the good one and see good parts in the bad one…Good bad it is so hard to tell sometimes. Just felt the first one lacked something.
Thanks for the comments Ted.
Good misdirecion. I thought this was the “happy” couple. You hit the mark with this story. Ron
Thanks man….I felt like I was shooting an arrow in a crosswind without my glasses on. Nice to know I hit the mark!
Well, at least it wasn’t “Break a leg!”.
Or “You’re Doomed”…
Excellent piece about two bad decisions, a number of years apart.
And to me, by far the better of the two pieces!
That is exactly what I was getting at and thanks for summing it up in one sentence.
I liked it Tom, and if you think it is a little flat, I thought that perfectly got across how flat they were feeling that morning.
Thank you Anne. You may be right about that…
So the girl is honest, what’s the big deal? 😉
Young love….the poor things!
I agree with the earlier comments in that it should read slightly flat as that matches the atmosphere over breakfast. I also prefer the second version.
some of the most unlikely couples make it, but I have often thought good luck is more appropriate. Good one.
I think you may be right but I am not sure newly married couples see it that way!
HAHAHAHA — okay I am occasionally like that (not often, mostly I keep the comments in my head), but I sooo get it.
I am like that and so is my girlfriend. We were joking about this exact thing the other day…cynical maybe? Someone we knew got married and I turned to her and said “I don’t know if I should congratulate them. I don’t know what to say.” She looked and me and said “How about good luck”. We both laughed. Unlike this couple the both of us saw the humor in it….Thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Wonder what the bad decision was? And why is she so picky about his choice of words to the wedding couple? Why is she so grumpy? I think they’ve been together too long.
The first one was the couple getting married the night before, the second one was this couples own marriage, the third one was the comment Good Luck, the fourth one too much salt on the eggs, fifth one to much sugar in the coffee and the sixth bad decision was them staying together…take your pick. Like you said they have been together too long…Thanks for commenting and stopping by.
This brings in a lot of the real discomfort that can come with a disagreement / simmering argument. I definitely think you carried off that tension better in this version than in the first. The dialogue has a very real sound to it
Thank you Brian. Sorry it took so long to comment back… had a bit of a storm here.
Both versions are open to several interpretations–all, as far as I can see, with intriguing ambiguities.
Thank you very much vb…Sorry It took so long to write back…Sandy took my power a way.
I love the ending. I could help but feel that you could have done with a paragraph break just before “unable to make eye contact”, but that could just be me reading too fast.
Thanks Carol. I have been so busy lately that I have little time for the blog. Glad you liked the ending and a paragraph break would have worked there….I agree.