Well it’s that time…All stories can be found here. Thanks Rochelle for hosting.
I wrote this story and asked Rich to check it out for me. He helped bring it to new heights….Darn good editor. He said I did most of the hard work but oddly I do not see it that way. So this weeks offer is by both Rich and I.
His mini poodle Ernest was tucked neatly under the seat in his carry-on cage as Flight 505 raced down the runway. The idea of returning to his partner’s arms lightened his heart as the plane floated to the clouds. After finally finding the courage to admit his true feelings, he proudly told everyone and enjoyed his new emotional freedom. He couldn’t have been happier. His skin sparkled in the window’s reflection as he looked out at the wing, only to see the engine rip away. For the first time in his life, it was okay to scream like a schoolgirl.
Here is the original…my suggestion to add school girl, he added all the other great details…
With his little dog Ernest tucked neatly under the seat in his carry-on cage the flight raced down the runway. The idea of being back in his lovers arms lighten his heart as the plane floated off the tarmac. He had found the courage to come of out the closet. He told everyone of his new freedom. He was the happiest he had ever been. His skin sparkled in the reflection of the window as he looked out at the wing, only to see the engine rip off. For the first time in his life he screamed like a girl.
The last line conveys different meaning in the first version than in the second. Interesting to see what you and Brian have done with the same bones of a story.
I think you are right about that…The first one comes off a little harsh and the humor is lost, no?
the reason i tossed in “it was okay…” was because previously he had been hiding who he was, and by pretending to be heterosexual, it was not okay to do anything “like a girl” or school girl. but now that he’s come out, it’s okay – within himself – to release anything feminine. and then this situation warrants it even more.
A good choice!
I think you both did a great job!
Well done!
Thank you Abraham…
I also changed lover to partner…at the last minute…not sure how Rich feels about that change…
i think partner works better because it carries more of a suggestion than lover. good choice.
Cool…
Sorry, Rich–had Brainsnorts on my mind when I wrote Brian–lunchtime here, my brain needs replenishing.
no need to apologize.
You got me with the ending. My happy feelings for him went down in flames, too. Well done, Tom.
Thanks Janet….
I think anyone who didn’t scream like a schoolgirl after seeing something like that would be crazy. After all these stories about flights gone wrong I may never want to fly again.
This was a story about courage….LOL and of course about a flight gone wrong. Thanks.
Tom
Yes, the last line did it. I think you can take credit for this essay. Well done.
I think I will and of course give Rich his credit!
Tom
I enjoyed this!
Thanks Deana!
Nice collaboration. Interesting to see the process, Tom. You came up with a cool story and Rich subtly enhanced it.
Ted,
Rich was able to change it around in a few minutes…I agree it was a nice collaboration. It’s almost hard to believe I can play well with others…
Tom
great little story and nice collaboration. I like the subtlety of partner and admit his true feelings. I absolutely love the last line.
Thanks…Rich made the last line not sound as harsh…The collaboration just sort of happened. Worked out well.
Tom
Hope he wasn’t in the exit aisle. Good one.
Than you!
Just love it! That’s all!
Thank you Penny. Best thing you could say!
Tom
scary! i so love that last line! ^^ i really enjoyed reading this
Thank you Kz…
Awww.. I was feeling so happy reading the story until I read the last line. I could feel his emotions right till the end – From being happy to sudden shock and sadness in the end.. Great story.
muZer,
Thanks I am glad we kept you until the end and gave you a shock!
Tom
I love how he really is now in touch with his emotions, even if at the end they aren’t ones he wants to have.
IN the end he finally gets to act they way he wants even if it is only for a moment.
Tom
I love the story, both your efforts into it made it a great one!
Sandra,
I will say thank you from the both of us! What a great thing to say.
Tom
Dear Tom,
Well done! The changes were subtle, yet huge. Altering a word here and there can really strengthen a piece. That’s why I love Friday Fictioneers so much. I’ve learned a lot in a few short months about tightening and making every word count.
It’s nice that Rich edited for you. I like having a second pair of eyes who can see what I sometimes can’t.
Sorry for the long winded, it’s all about me comment. You took me from happy to Oh Crap in one swell foop. Incredibly touching. I repeat….well done. (Didn’t see any typos).
shalom,
Rochelle
Rochelle,
Hey you are a writer so the “all about me” comments don’t bother me…I leave my own “all about me comments” all the time on other people’s blogs!
It was very nice of Rich, his efforts made a piece that was just getting off the ground fly. It was surprisingly easy for two east coasters to work together and we were both happy with the outcome.
Thanks Tom
I thought you, and Rich both worked well together to give us a memorable story. The schoolgirl scream, we all got a little of that in us!
Blessings,
Shenine
LOL Shenine…speak for yourself I have a manly scream! I am glad you found it memorable.
Tom
His enthusiasm and courage coming to an unfortunate end with the ending. well done..and kudos to Rich as well.
Yes the courage…it’s all about the courage! Thanks!
Tom
Enjoyed both versions and a great idea. Well done.
Well thank you cupcake. I am happy to hear you enjoyed both versions.
Tom
I totally loved the last minute switch from a love story to a disaster at the end – brilliant!
Thanks t…what a great comment!
Tom
Francis gets his reveng on Ernest! Especially naming his mini-poodle after him!
The prize goes to Peter…First one to notice! SWEET!
Tom
Now that was a good story. I liked the changes you and rich made. It made the story more intense and meaningful. Poor little dog 🙁
Thanks Jackie..sort of mixed a bunch of inspirations together to make this one happen. I guess that’s what writers do.
Tom
I always ride near the wing and would not like to live out this moment. Nice picture of his final moments.
Joe,
You’re a sick man Joe…I like that!
Tom
I just commented to Rich that I’d got the literary reference after realising that ‘Francis Macomber’ rang a bell. Well done on bringing that level to the story.
Hey Ann,
Thanks it is one of my favorite short stories…Glad you picked up on it. Only one other person did.
Tom
sure hope he didn’t think the engine coming off was an omen. Let’s hope he lives through it and continues to enjoy his freedom.
Oh no..he’s a dead man!
Tom
Well, as I said on Rich’s site, this is a captivating story. You guys said so much in such few words. The emotions are powerful.
Thank you Sandra…Rich did a nice job fixing it up.
Tom
As you say Tom, an excellent editor, but truth be told although Rich enlivened it a little, it truly was YOUR story. An excellent offering methinks.
Thanks Linda that is nice of you to say. I think we both played an important role.
Tom
HI Tom
I love this story and the collaboration with Rich. I especially like seeing the draft version first. Elmo Writes does this too on her site. It’s incredible how a few subtle changes can turn a story around.
Thanks
Happyness is sweet but brief, enjoyed the tale, and to see the 2versions. I think the end result did you 2 justice. Well done.
Than you Brud!
Very good. Interesting to see the two versions. Liked the way that the final version doesn’t ‘reveal’ until the very last word, whereas the previous version kind of had it halfway through. The first version is still very good, but the final version has that little extra sparkle.
Pete,
The first version certainly did have the reveal halfway through and the second one had that little extra happy sparkle. LOL I am glad you you enjoyed it and thanks for stopping by and commenting.
Tom
Hi Tom (and Rich) – Fascinating how you worked together, collaberation is obviously in this week, with Rochelle and Doug working together too. Collabs are a particularly interesting time to see edits, so I’m glad you posted the original too – I just berated Rich for not doing, so I’m glad you did it. Great story, as you say, the edits definitely improve it, but the story itself is yours. A perfect joint effort.
Hey Jen,
As Rich said on his blog this was sort of an accident….Ok I know you are a big fan of the process so here is the break down, best I can tell it…no need to berate Rich… I posted the rough draft shall we call it, in about 5 views into the collaboration story being posted. I suddenly had the feeling that someone would ask for the original, so I posted it. I suppose Rich didn’t post it because he felt that was up to me.
The rough draft was basically, my first and only attempt at this prompt. That is how I always do it. I see it, I write it, I post it. Half hour I am done! If Sabrina is around I read it to her. Normally she is all smiles but she is not afraid to hide her feelings so when I read this one to her she gave me a look…perhaps it was too early.. she seems to like it now. I couldn’t stop laughing at the concept because in all it’s sadness, it is still funny. So I figured I would ask someone who’s opinion on writing I respect, Rich. Rich laughed, did what he likes to do and started tweaking, normally not something I am all that comfortable with… 999 out of 1000 times someone messes with your work and your voice gets lost. But I felt his edits were good, not too much of my voice was lost and on top of that I felt it was a better version than the first. I had already at this point put more effort than I ever did into a FF story…I think Rich gave it back to me in a ten minutes or so…I only changed one word after that, I changed lover to partner. Rich changed a few things after we posted as well on his blog….I offered co author rights and he suggested a dual posting. Rich has been as straight forward as he could be and far more humble then I could ever be…That is the story behind the story. This comment was harder to write….but I thought you might appreciate it! Thanks for all the kind words. MY brain hurts now!
Tom
You got me, Tom, I do love process. Thank you for sharing yours in all its glory – and for sharing your story. You’re right about it being very funny as well as sad; I think that’s its greatest strength. You make us love the character first, and then we’re more upset by the ending.
Jen,
Nothing wrong with exposing yourself it can be liberating…
Tom
Very nice. I liked them both, I have been known to scream like a school girl every chance I get lol.
Thank you Boomie…. That would make you the perfect person to sneak up on and scare….Boo!
Tom
Dear Tom,
I usually work my way upstream from the bottom of the grid of author icon photos to the top. It has been a long slog this week but I finally arrived at Rich’s and read the stroy, then all the comments. Knew I had to skip a few stories up and read yours to sort out how to comment.
The Short happy Life of Francis Macomber is one of my favorite short stories of all time and your use of it as your title was inspired, as was the name of the mini-poodle Ernest. The story you put together was brilliant, though rough around the edges, which is sometimes (or always) a product of your method of writing. It is interesting that you shot it over to Rich (wise choice) for his opinion. That decision by you sparked a perfect storm of collaboration and the result was excellent.
Reading all the comments on both of your pages was enlightening and educational. The process involved in getting stories to print is often as compelling as the story itself.
Your story line and major components and Rich’s ‘paint’ deserve all the accolades you are each receiving. Well done.
Aloha,
Doug
Doug,
It seems as if a perfect storm has come to the northeast. Looking out the window all I see is about two feet of fresh snow. Sure would be nice to be in Hawaii about now or at least have a snow blower…Think I’ll be shoveling all day. I think rough around the edges is always the result of my first drafts and part of my voice as a writer. I cleanup and ‘paint’ certain types of writings but for the most part I like to write a story that has a feeling of a friend speaking to you. The Short Happy Life Of Francis Macomber is a great short story and one of my favorites as well…I plucked the concept of a short lived moment of courage from the story. Thanks for the well thought out comment and for making it upstream. The list sure does get bigger and bigger…It is very hard to get to everyone. Thanks again,
Tom
Neat tale, Tom, well conceived. My opinion is that the editing tightened it up just enough. Thanks.
Well conceived…I do like that.
Thanks Tom
Tom, well done! I love that you guys collaborated on this. I especially love the school girl ending. Sometimes, I think, a piece is meant for more than one person. I do like the subtle changes that Rich made, but the heart of the story is yours. Love the title.
Who ever you are…Thank you.
Tom